I'm Not Ready
by NerdoOfTheFiction
Summary: Just a one-shot about Fili and Kili and their commitment and love for each other as brothers. Warning: character death.


I've always been able to patch him up.

"_Don't leave me," he breathed._

"_Don't leave you? Fili, don't leave _**me**_."_

He'd never been hurt like that before.

"_I don't know what to do," I admitted, positive that the despair was evident in my tone._

"_Pull it out," he grimaced and blood slithered from the corner of his mouth. "Slowly."_

He's always been able to patch _me_ up. Every cut and scrape, whether it was small or needed stitching. I can't remember the last time I had to dress my own wound.

_Wrapping my arms behind his back, I took hold of the blade and slid it out as carefully as I dared. I watched his face twist in agony and felt speckles of blood decorate my own face as he coughed._

He always looked out for me. We looked out for each other.

_His grip on my coat tightened as the tip came free, sword promptly falling to the ground._

It went through him. Back to front, as if he were some animal skewed for eating.

"_Thank you."_

But he was my brother.

_His teeth were stained red, mouth full of his own blood, but his eyes still glistened as they had his entire life._

They used to dance when he laughed.

_He crumpled against me and I took him by the elbows to steady him. I eased him to his knees. He measured my horrified expression before resting his head in the crook of my neck._

His raspy breath was the only sound in the world.

_My arms encircled him as reality set in. My fingers dug into the fabric of his coat, frantic to keep him with me. "Aule..."_

Those were the longest and shortest minutes of my life.

_My heart rate escalated as I realized the futility of the situation. _

"_You're breathing too hard, brother. Calm down."_

It was just like him to fuss over me until the end. I was always a baby brother to him.

_He sputtered and coughed, shaking in my arms. My hand cradled the back of his head, fingers twisting hysterically into the golden locks._

It's amazing how the world seems to stop whenever someone approaches death.

_I don't know when the tears started falling._

I wish it actually had.

_I felt liquid on my neck. I don't know why, but I prayed you were crying. That it was water that I felt. _

I knew that was foolish.

"_Fili, please, what can I do?" I cried out, unable to quell the quiver in my voice._

All my life, he had been unstoppable.

"_Nothing for me…Kili."_

But that night, he was stopped.

_I whined as you told me to be careful as I continued the journey. You said, "I don't know if I'll be able to keep you out of trouble."_

The truth is I don't know how to live without him.

And I still don't know if I want to learn.

"_I love you, Kili."_

We've said it before, but the way he said it that night tore me at the seams. It took me too long to quiet my cries, but I couldn't get a word out.

"_I love you, Fili."_

I don't know if he heard me.

When Uncle approached us, I could tell he was terrified. I can only imagine what we looked like. There was blood on my face from his coughs. His lower back, where the sword found home, was sodden with blood. There was blood everywhere.

But none of it was mine.

He always protected me. That was his job. But I think, after a while, it became more of a habit than a duty. I was always getting myself into things. He always got me out.

He was my brother.

The very best in the business.

When Uncle knelt down and pulled us both to his chest, I lost my grip entirely. I sobbed into the fur of his collar and clung to my brother like a little boy.

He was broken.

And so was I.

I felt Thorin's tears hit my forehead. I had the tangible deterioration of our family on my face between his blood and Uncle's tears.

I don't know where the company was during all this, but I'm glad they weren't with us.

Maybe that's selfish.

We sat like that for hours, the three of us.

He probably wouldn't like that.

He wouldn't have wanted us to come apart at the seams and lose ourselves to sorrow.

But that's what we did.

Or at least that's what I did.

Because I loved you, Fili.

And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I ever will.

I followed you all my life; and now you're gone and there's no one for me to follow.

But eventually, I'll follow you to wherever you are.

We'll find each other again.

Just wait.


End file.
